GPS: DESTINATION – RELATIONSHIP Part 1 by Dr. Shah, Clearview Church, Henderson, NC
Introduction: One of the most stressful decisions that people struggle with in life is the decision to link with someone in marriage. Next to receiving Jesus as Savior and King, it is the most important decision that we will ever make. It impacts our future, our family, our finances, our children, our career, our health, our spiritual life, everything. Boys/Girls and Men/Women want to know: “Is there a person out there that God has designed just for me?” “How do I find that person?” “Do I take steps towards finding that person or should I just wait for God to bring him/her to me?” Unfortunately, when a marriage falls apart, people struggle with other questions like: “Will I ever have someone else in my life?” “Have I lost God’s best for my life?” This is the third message in our series titled GPS where we are learning how to know and navigate the will of God. Today, we are focusing on relationships. This will be a two-part message. We will answer questions like: What is God’s design for marriage? What causes marriages to fall apart? Is marriage worth it? Maybe not all these questions may apply to you, but God may want you to help someone else who needs the answers. Main Point: God has designed a special person just for you. It’s in our submission to his Word and our daily walk with Christ that the Holy Spirit guides us into the relationship that brings him the most glory.
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD.
Last week, we looked at the 3 approaches to discerning God’s will for our lives (See Douglas S. Huffman, ed., How Then Should We Choose? Three Views on God’s Will and Decision Making):
1. The Specific-Will View: Using the GPS analogy, we called this the “turn-by-turn” view of discerning God’s will for our lives.
2. The Wisdom View: Using the GPS analogy, we call this the “best option” view of discerning God’s will for our lives.
3. The Relationship View: Using the GPS analogy, we call this the “local guide with us” view of discerning God’s will.
As I mentioned last time, all 3 views are found in the Scriptures. The key is to know which view works with which category of decisions, which personality type, and which stage of Christian maturity? (See Douglas Huffman). This is a complicated topic, as we will see today, but there is one decision that is not complicated – it is the decision to be saved. Are you saved? You can make that decision now.
With that said, how do we choose a relationship according to God’s will?
Unless BOTH the guy and the girl have a clear confirmation (You can’t walk up to someone and say, “God has told me that you are to marry me.” He/she needs the confirmation from God as well!), a safe place to begin is with the Wisdom view. In fact, that’s what we will focus on today. Next week, we will get even more specific and look at the Specific-Will view and the Relationship view in finding the person God has for us.
A. Understand God’s Design for Marriage.
- Marriage reflects God’s image:
Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” First, God made 2 similar but distinct beings. Think about it – a man and a woman are fundamentally the same but they’re also different – emotionally, physically, and physiologically. In our culture, we are foolishly trying to neutralize these factors by psychologically brainwashing and physically mutilating our bodies. We’re not progressing but regressing! But God created the man and the woman to be same in essence but distinct in person just like the Trinity. Also, listen to Genesis 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” When a man joins to a woman in marriage, they are together reflecting the image of God. God is more than one person and yet one being. We don’t worship three gods but one god in three persons.
Question: Why is same-sex marriage such an abomination to God? Why does Paul refer to homosexuality as the last step on the way down? Because it fundamentally misrepresents the image of God.
- Marriage is God’s gift for companionship:
Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Up to this point God kept saying “It was good” but now “It is not good.” Since He made us in his image, in his likeness, He knows how we function. God is Trinity. There is companionship in the Godhead between the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. God knew that Adam needed fellowship as well. Of course, God fellowshipped with Adam but Adam needed someone on his level. None of those animals made the cut. Adam realized that he could not connect with any of them emotionally or physically. Then, God made a helper comparable to Adam. God knew that but He wanted Adam to understand his need. Genesis 2 21 “And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. 22 Then the rib (it just means a portion from his side and not necessarily a rib) which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman…” The actual word is “fashioned.” It means that the woman was built for a unique purpose. “…and He brought her to the man.” The big question is how would Adam receive this woman. She is made from him. She is like him but she is different. Listen to Adam’s response: 23 And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” Not only is Adam approving this new being, He is also demonstrating a powerful principle for all Adams to come. Eve had done nothing so far to gain Adam’s acceptance but he chose to accept her as God’s perfect gift for him.
Question: How do you view marriage? Husbands – do you accept your wives as God’s perfect gift for you? Wives – do you accept your husbands as God’s perfect gift for you? Do you base your acceptance on their performance? Do you base your acceptance on their past? As an act of your will, you must receive your spouse as God’s perfect gift for you. It is easier said than done. Only by the grace of God you can do that.
- Marriage fulfills a great mystery:
Ephesians 5 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her…31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
Of course, our culture has misunderstood this, and some Christians have misused this, but submission does not imply inferiority and headship does not mean dominance. A wife lovingly follows her husband’s spiritual leadership, and the husband leads by serving, willing to lay down his life for her. Ultimately, the goal in the husband-wife relationship is to help one another come to perfection by the grace of God and present each other to God. It means learning to live daily by the grace of God and helping the other person to do the same.
B. Understand Satan’s Design for Marriage.
Genesis 3:1 Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?” By the time, Jesus came, divorce was part of the vocabulary of God’s people. Matthew 19 3 The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?” 4And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” 8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
Although there are many reasons that marriages fail, we will look at only the top 6 reasons for divorce, starting with #6 (My information is from the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture.). This will be especially helpful for you if you are a single person looking to have a relationship from God that honors God. While you are waiting for the one, work on these areas by God’s help:
#6. ADDICTION: According to the study, 23% of divorces were due to Alcohol and drug abuse. Marriage is tough as it is without the added burden of addiction. It is like running a three-legged race but you’re dragging the other person. This is especially harder when the addiction was not known in the beginning of the relationship. When it does come out, it leads to a lot of trust issues. It leaves a lot of resentment – “How could you do this to me?” Sometimes, there is knowledge about the addiction but the other person says, “Once we’re married, it’ll all change. I can change him/her.” It actually gets worse. By the way, just because our culture or laws declare something legal doesn’t make it right.
What’s the answer? Commitment to solid biblical counseling. Titus 2 11 “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, 12 teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age.”
Application: Are you struggling with addiction? Are you seeking help? Are you willing to commit to getting help? Do you see the pain you are causing those who love you? You have the control, just like when you slow down seeing a policeman.
#5. FINANCES: According to the report, 24% of the divorces were due to differences in financial priorities and spending habits. This is a tough one – children, sickness, accidents, things break down. Then, there’s the human nature, like the old adage – “We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” Unfortunately, many couples have no concept of financial planning. When bills start piling up and creditors start calling, couples tend to turn against each other.
What’s the answer? Learn how to budget, live within your means, eliminate debt, and be truthful with each other. Here’s another major answer – start tithing. Proverbs 3 9“Honor the LORD with your possessions, And with the firstfruits of all your increase; 10So your barns will be filled with plenty, And your vats will overflow with new wine.” Be generous. Proverbs 11:25 “The generous soul will be made rich, And he who waters will also be watered himself.”
Application: How are your finances? Are you willing to get help? Are you willing to tithe? Are you willing to be generous?
# 4. EMOTIONAL ABUSE: According to the study, 29% of the divorces were due to emotional abuse. We’re not talking about physical violence here but it still hurts. Maybe it’s because of the way someone was raised or maybe they went through abuse growing up. Sometimes it’s because of past resentments. Couples take jabs at each other, especially in public. Many promises are made but things do not change.
What is the answer? Ask God to change your spirit. Ephesians 4:2 “with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love.”
Application: Is there emotional abuse in your marriage? Are you the abuser? Do you belittle your spouse? Is there pent-up resentment in your heart? Have you admitted before God that this is a sin? Have you repented and asked God to help you with it?
# 3. SPOUSE’S IMMATURITY: According to the research, 30% of the divorces are due to a spouse’s immaturity. Emotionally immature people are those who do not know how to handle anger, guilt, fear, grief, jealousy, insecurity, disappointment, and resentment. They don’t know how to handle life’s challenges. They easily get stuck in negative emotions. They tend to control people around them. They blame others for all their problems. They are self-centered and selfish. They pout, whine, cry, manipulate, and hurt others. When confronted, they are in denial.
What’s the answer? Grow up! Ephesians 4 14 “that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, 15 but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ.”
Application: Are you emotionally immature? Are you selfish and self-centered? Do you blame others for your problems? What are you going to do about it? Are you taking steps to grow in your maturity?
# 2. INCOMPATIBLE: According to this study, 30% felt that they were tired of making a poor match work. The common statement is “we are just two very different people. It’s just not working out.” By the way, there is overlap in the percentages.
What’s the answer? Marriage is not about compatibility but about commitment. Once you have made up your mind that this is it, then this is it! You have to do whatever you can to make it compatible – spend time, go places together, encourage one another, see the best in each other, and understand your own weakness and weaknesses.
For e.g. I was reading an article which had a true story of this woman who had gone through a divorce. After the divorce, she felt that it was time to start dating again and her friends talked her into opening an account on match.com. “She received her first list of potential matches and at the very top of the list, her top match out of thousands of potential men was none other than her ex-husband!”
There is one compatibility you do need to worry about – Does the other person know Christ? 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?”
Application: How committed are you to your marriage? Have you tried to look at life from your spouse’s perspective? What steps are you taking to make your marriage work?
#1. ADULTERY: According to research, 37% of divorces are due to unfaithfulness in marriage.
What’s the answer? Reject the flesh and submit to the Holy Spirit. Galatians 5 19“Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness…But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control.” Learn to Forgive. Listen to Colossians 3 12 “Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”
C. Marriage is a blessing from God.
Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD.”
Unfortunately, marriage is not often looked upon as God’s blessing to us. It is often talked down about in our world. The entertainment world portrays a very negative view of marriage. There are shows that depicts marriage as the end of all joy and happiness. People even joke about marriage being a ball and chain. Let me share with you what I shared in a message on marriage last year. Recently, a study came out from the University of Chicago by Professor Sam Peltzman of the Booth School of Business. The study was titled, “The Socio Political Demography of Happiness.” It is based on the General Social Survey, conducted since 1972, that asked a representative sample of American adults the question, “[Are] you very happy, pretty happy, or not too happy?” Even though, there has been a mild decline in happiness since 2000, the overall population is still reasonably happy. After focusing on all the standard socio demographic differences (age, race, gender, education, marital status, income, and geography), Prof. Peltzman found that married individuals are the happiest people of all. Now, I’m sure it raises questions like, “Are married people happy because they are married?” or “Do happy people tend to get married?” Nonetheless, what is interesting is that the lead is 30 points! Of course, there are those who get upset over such results and call this “single shaming.” We definitely do not want to shame any singles (divorce, separation, death of a spouse, haven’t found the one, or even called to be single).
Pelzman also attributed the slight drop in happiness to less people getting married nowadays. He may have a point, because according to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, the rate of marriage in America has dropped about 50%. Something else worth considering: According to Shaunti Feldhahn (Harvard educated social researcher, The Good News About Marriage), contrary to the common misconception that “50% of marriages end in divorce” the divorce rate is actually around 33%. You can find her books in the Resource Center. Shaunti Feldhahn also showed that contrary to the other misconception out there that Christians are just as likely to get divorced, the overall divorce rate for those who are committed to church and following Christ is actually 27-50% less than for those are uncommitted and non-church going. In fact, those who are name only Christians are 20% more likely to get divorced than lost people. Overall, Shaunti Feldhahn found that 72% of married people were still married to their first spouse, and four out of five were happy. Bottom line: Marriage is a blessing from God.
Invitation: What is God teaching you about marriage? Have you responded to his call to be saved?