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30 Years to a Better Marriage by Abidan Shah, PhD

Abidan Paul Shah

30 YEARS TO A BETTER MARRIAGE by Dr Shah and Nicole, Clearview Church, Henderson, NC

Introduction: As many of you already know, Nicole and I just celebrated our 30-year anniversary on January 7th. It has not been a bed of roses. There have been plenty of thorns along the way, but God’s grace has made it worth it. In fact, it has been a testimony of God’s goodness to two sinners saved by grace. This morning, we will take a break from our new series on the end-times and, considering Valentine’s Day this week, we are going to have a standalone message titled “30 Years to a Better Marriage.” I’ve invited Nicole to join me on the stage because without her, this would not be possible.

I remember our wedding day like yesterday. I was so nervous. What do you remember?

30 Years to a Better Marriage – this message is not just for couples. It is also for singles as well, whether you are looking for a relationship or not. There are applications.

(Dr. Shah)

1. It takes two to tango, but it takes 3 to triumph. 

Psalm 127:1 “Unless the LORD builds the house, they labor in vain who build it…”

Nicole and I grew up in different parts of the world. Nicole was born in New Orleans and then raised in Georgia where her parents were from. She did spend 3 years living in Costa Rica and Chile as a missionary kid. I was born and raised in India until I came to the United States at the age of 17. Very different worlds! At the same time, we grew up in very similar worlds. Her dad was a pastor for about 25 years, so she was a PK and an MK. As you know, my father was a pastor, as well, of the same church for almost 60 years. What Nicole and I discovered is that our families had very similar beliefs and convictions – Salvation through Jesus Christ, the Bible, right and wrong, etc. We also had very similar beliefs and convictions about marriage as believers – especially that marriage is a commitment between you, your spouse, and God. We both believed that for a marriage to work Jesus had to be the center and focus of that marriage.

We saw it work in the lives of our parents. Nicole’s parents were married for 34 years when her father died of cancer, and my parents were married for 55 years when my father died in 2021. This does not mean that our parents’ marriage was perfect, but it makes a difference when you see the importance of Christ in a marriage. He is not only the head of each life, but he also brings us together. He unites us and brings us in a proper relationship with each other.

I’m not saying that if you or your spouse come from a divorced home that your marriage is doomed, but I do believe that we are shaped by our environment, especially as children. Here’s the good news – you can make a choice to let Christ be the center of your marriage. The more you do that the better chances you have of making it.

What about couples who don’t have Christ at the center of their marriage? The triumph is not just to make it in this life. Marriage is a reenactment of the Christ-church relationship. It is a display of the gospel of Christ, albeit, at times, it is distorted.Ephesians 5         31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

(Nicole)

2. Family is for support, but church family is for accountability.

It’s wonderful to have a family. They are there for you through the ups and downs of life. They can be a great support to a young couple just starting out. But, there are limits to what our earthly family can do for us. This is where the church family comes in. They are there to help us grow in Christ. They are there to help us stay accountable.

Years ago, there were reports of statistics that it doesn’t matter whether you are in church or not. The numbers are the same for divorced couples in church and out of church. This has been debunked. New and more objective research proves that being in church definitely makes a difference in whether or not couples stay married.

Coming to church on regular basis helps you to hear God’s Word, interact with others who can mentor you, and even meet others who are facing difficult times. Being in church is a great source of accountability for your marriage. Unfortunately, it is often not done right, but that should be the goal – to help those who are struggling. Being in church is not a miracle cure, but when both husband and wife are plugged in the church, their chances of making it rise dramatically.

(Dr. Shah)

3. Seek God’s vision for your marriage and seek it early.

It is important that we set a goal for our marriage – 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years. Without a vision, we are just drifting aimlessly. We often talked about what Thanksgiving would look like years down the road with kids and grandkids. When you have a mental picture, you have something to work towards.

Drafting a vison is much more than just dreaming. We have to see our marriages as God intended them to be: a picture of Christ and the church, an example of God’s unconditional love for a lost world. Only then we will see how important our example of a godly marriage is. I don’t know about you, but I really have never thought that my marriage would be a witness of a loving Savior to a lost world. Listen to this quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer. “Marriage is more than your love for each other. It has a higher dignity and power, for it is God’s holy institution through which God wishes to preserve the humanity until the end of time. In your love you see only each other in the world; in marriage you are a link in the chain of generations that God, for the sake of his glory, allows to rise and fade away, and calls into His kingdom.” 

Seeking God’s vision for your marriage is not easy. It requires:

Decisions determine destiny (Consequences of your decisions will come back to you, not just to you but also to those near you.) 

Sometimes you have to wait for a long time to see how the vision will work out. Like a farmer, you have to wait for the crops to grow.

(Nicole)

4. Sex matters!

This part of marriage is definitely influenced by the way you were raised. What were your parents’ attitude towards sex? Their attitudes towards the subject of sex have affected the way that you view sex. Ladies, if your mother communicated to you that sex was a duty or was dirty; you need a mind shift. If you didn’t already know this, God created sex. He said that everything that he had created was good. Sin changed that. Genesis 2:25 “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” I know this sounds crazy, but you need to pray and ask God to change your attitude about sex. Ladies, your husbands need sex to feel emotionally close to you. Some ideas to help you begin to work on your physical intimacy are:

1 Corinthians 7:5 “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

The world and the Enemy have captured and corrupted Sex. It’s times to reclaim it.

Dr. Shah – Men, your wives need emotional intimacy to be ready for sex. This requires talking with each other, spending time with each other, refusing to hold grudges, etc.

(Dr. Shah)

5. Good fences make great neighbors.

We teach people how to treat us by the fences we build. We need fences both internally and externally:

Psalm 1          1 Blessed is the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful; 2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD, And in His law he meditates day and night. 3 He shall be like a tree Planted by the rivers of water, That brings forth its fruit in its season, Whose leaf also shall not wither; And whatever he does shall prosper. 4 The ungodly are not so, But are like the chaff which the wind drives away. 5 Therefore the ungodly shall not stand in the judgment, Nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous. 6 For the LORD knows the way of the righteous, But the way of the ungodly shall perish.

(Nicole)

6. My spouse is not my enemy, but every marriage has one.

We learned at a marriage conference years ago that “My spouse is not my enemy.” It was revolutionary! The real Enemy is Satan. He showed up in the first marriage between Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden – Genesis 3.

1 Peter 5        8 “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. 9 Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. 

God has designed your spouse to refine you.

Don’t let the sun go down on your anger

Take time to date each week. Monday is our date day.

(Dr. Shah)

7. Children are a blessing, but that doesn’t always mean joy and laughter. 

Psalm 127:3 “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.”

There are so many joys that children bring into family. We have funny stories, cute stories, and memorable stories.

At the same time, parenting is not easy. It can be very stressful: when young (physical stress), teens (physical and emotional stress), young adults (emotional stress). It’s an old saying that Nicole’s great grandmother would say – “when young, they step on your toes; when older, they step on your heart.”

To make having children a blessing:

(Nicole)

8. Crises may seem random to us but not to God.

James 1         2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.

Don’t forget in the dark what you learned in the light.

No matter what you are facing, God is good, and he will use it for the best for you. Remember, the thorn in the flesh is from God not Satan:

(Dr. Shah)

9. Marriage will go through seasons. Dress accordingly.

Ecclesiastes 3         1 To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: 2 A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; 3 A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; 4 A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; 5 A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; 6 A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; 7 A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; 8 A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace.

The changes come in various forms:

Hurts have to be worked through. We will have bad days. Be clothed in Christ.

(Nicole)

10. There are no perfect marriages, just two sinners saved by grace.

Romans 5:20 “But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more”

Do you know Christ as your Savior and King? Is he in your marriage? Is he in your relationship? Satan will bring hopelessness. Look to Christ he has the person he wants for your life.

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