GPS: DESTINATION – RELATIONSHIPS 2 by Dr. Shah, Clearview Church, Henderson, NC
Introduction: This series has brought a lot more response than we had anticipated. One parent shared with me that their daughter, a teenager, told them that “Pastor Shah’s sermon ate and left no crumbs!” Not sure what that means, but I was told that it is good. I’ll take it! This weekend we are in part 2 of our message on relationships. I want us to slide over from the generalities of the Wisdom View towards the Specific-will View and maybe even the Relationship View on finding the right person for your life. If you are already married, I’m praying that this message will help you fall in love with your spouse today more than you did the first time. If you are divorced and seeking someone in your life, that you would avoid the pitfalls from your previous life. Main Point: An important step in finding and keeping a relationship is knowing what matters, what doesn’t, and what can be worked on. When you are dating a person and you see something in them that you are not sure of, ask yourself, “Can I see myself living with that for the rest of my life?” Most importantly, ask yourself, “Can I see Christ in him/her?”
Ecclesiastes 4 9 “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. 11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
Let’s begin with a quick glance: 3 approaches to discerning God’s will for our lives (See Douglas S. Huffman, ed., How Then Should We Choose? Three Views on God’s Will and Decision Making): 1. The Specific-Will View (“turn-by-turn”); 2. The Wisdom View (“best option” view); and 3. The Relationship View (“local guide with us”). As we have learned, all 3 views are found in the Scriptures. The key is to know which view works with which category of decisions, which personality type, and which stage of Christian maturity? (See Douglas Huffman). This is a complicated topic, as we will see again today, but there is one decision that is not complicated – it is the decision to be saved. Are you saved? You can make that decision now.
With that said, how do we choose a relationship according to God’s will, part 2? The answer lies in knowing what matters, what doesn’t, and what can be worked on. Nicole’s dad would often say: “Whatever it is you see in the other person; can you see yourself living with that for the rest of your life?” Here’s a deeper question: “Do people change?” The answer depends on what fundamental values they learned growing up. If the values did not come from the Bible, then the answer is “No.” Yes, if they received Christ, then the values do change, but God has to do that work. In order to understand all this, we are going to use 3 concentric rings. We are going to start with the outer ring and make our way to the inner core.
1. “I can live with it”:
- Odd habits
She – Walking outside barefoot
Me – Always beat your shoes upside down before putting them on (scorpions)
She – Driving all the way up on a vehicle before looking to see if you can pass them. Me – Backseat driver (according to her)
Me – Shaking the sheets and tucking them, smoothing out the bed
She – Cleaning the house a certain way
Me – Saving things because you never know when you’ll need them (Hoarder?)
She – Anything good will run out after the first helping
I asked our staff to give some of their spouse’s odd habits, here they are (no names, let you guess):
- He – “Missing the laundry basket by a few inches”
- She – “Ok, time to clean! *5 mins later, defensively: “I had to put everything on the bed so I could see where it goes! Long story short – she often makes a larger mess when cleaning up a smaller one.”
- He – “Coming home from work and then disappearing in the bathroom.”
- She – “She used to put cans in the sink instead of the trash can. They were ‘to drain’ but they just sat there for days under a pile of dishes.”
- He – “Anytime he makes anything with red spaghetti sauce – I can guarantee it will have splatter on the floor and be left for me to clean.”
- She – “The sound her jaw makes when she eats.”
- He – “How he can pack a car with every suitcase, cooler, chair, snack bag, etc like he’s winning Tetris. But loads a dishwasher like only 3 bowls and 2 plates will fit!”
- Likes/Dislikes
Action movies vs Rom-coms (Hallmark Christmas movies)
Music styles (Country, Rock, whatever); Playing Christmas music in October
Favorite sports, favorite teams
Beach vs mountains
- Personality Traits
Messy vs Organized
Morning person vs Night owl
Argumentative vs Easy Going
Sometimes these can become serious issues if you don’t maintain a sense of humor!Ecclesiastes 3 1 “To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven…4 A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance;”
2. “We need to work on it”:
Financial baggage:
- Bad spending habits (Envying others, filling some need, lack of training)
Proverbs 22:7 “The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender.”
Romans 13:8 “Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law.”
- Poor work ethic
Proverbs 6 9 How long will you slumber, O sluggard? When will you rise from your sleep? 10 A little sleep, a little slumber, A little folding of the hands to sleep—11So shall your poverty come on you like a prowler, And your need like an armed man.”
- Quitting
Proverbs 21:5 “The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty, but those of everyone who is hasty, surely to poverty.”
Emotional baggage:
- Family issues
Some families have a contentious character. In other words, turmoil is normal, and normal is abnormal. Something is always stirred up. There is no peace. Ask God to help you chart the course he has for you.
1 Chronicles 4 9 “Now Jabez was more honorable than his brothers, and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, “Because I bore him in pain.” 10 And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, “Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!” So God granted him what he requested.”
- Past relationships
Dating comes with rejection, hurt feelings, inferiority and insecurities. Unfortunately, these carry on in the next relationship, especially marriage.
Psalm 51:10 “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”
- Personal issues:
- Lying
Ephesians 4:25 Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,” for we are members of one another.
Anger
Ephesians 4 26 “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give place to the devil.
- Stealing
Ephesians 4 28 “Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need.”
- Foul Language
Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.”
- Unforgiveness (Seeking and Giving)
Ephesians 4 30 “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”
3. Spiritual baggage:
- Misunderstanding of Marriage Expectations
Trying to escape a bad situation. Yes, it can be an agent of healing and spiritual and emotional growth, but it is a tough process.
- Misunderstanding of Marriage Roles
Ephesians 5:33 “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
A man’s greatest need is to be respected, and a woman’s greatest need is to be cherished. A man wants to make his wife proud, and a woman wants to make her husband happy.
What is needed is not an A-frame (dependent), H-frame (independent), but M-frame (interdependent) relationships (Taken from John Crosby, Illusion and Delusion: The Self in Love and Marriage). Listen to Ecclesiastes 4 9 “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. 11 Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” Yes, we need each other to help us grow, mature, and be successful, but it cannot be completely one-sided.
3. “It’s a deal beaker”:
- Christian values
- Morality – Micah 6:8 “He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?”
- Church – Psalm 122:1 “I was glad when they said to me, ‘Let us go into the house of the LORD.’”
- Salvation
2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?”
Personal testimony: Even though Nicole and I grew up so far apart, we grew up with similar values and same faith in Christ. This made it easier, not easy. We had to learn the difference between what matters, what doesn’t, and what can be worked on; and we are still working on it!
Invitation: Do you understand the difference between what matters, what doesn’t, and what can be worked on? Where is it that God needs to work in your life? Are you praying for the one God has for you? Are you saved?