INSIDE OUT – GROWING PAINS by Dr. Shah, Nicole Shah, and Ryan Hill, Clearview Church, Henderson, NC

Introduction: We are in our series called INSIDE OUT where we are learning how God uses our suffering and our pain to bring something good into our lives, especially by transforming us more and more into the image of Jesus Christ. In the process, we can also help others in their suffering. Last weekend, we emphasized the difference between stress and trauma. Sometimes the younger generation has confused those two things. Stress is a part of life, but trauma goes much beyond. Stress is our body’s response to pressure (job loss, exams, deadlines, finances, etc.). Trauma can cause stress in our lives, but stress will not always lead to trauma. Having said that, children, whether little kids or adolescents (teenagers), also face their share of suffering, adversities, and unfortunately even trauma at times. In today’s message titled “Growing Pains,” we will focus on suffering in the context of parenting. It is important that we guard our children from the ugliness of sin and suffering in this life, but it is also critical that we teach them how to face suffering and even trauma that is bound to come in their lives. The most important thing you and I can do for our children as parents is to introduce them to Jesus Christ. We cannot be there with them every moment, but he will be.

2 Corinthians 12      14 “Now for the third time I am ready to come to you. And I will not be burdensome to you; for I do not seek yours, but you. For the children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children. 15 And I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved. 16 But be that as it may, I did not burden you. Nevertheless, being crafty, I caught you by cunning!”

Context: As I mentioned last week, 2 Corinthians is the letter to read in the Bible if you are going through suffering and trials. In the passage we just read, Paul used the analogy of parenting to address the Corinthians’ complaint (among many) against Paul that he hadn’t been fair to them as compared to the other churches. They must’ve been going through sufferings, and Paul was teaching them from his own life how to face such trials and adversities that come even in the Christian life. As I said in the introduction, we want to focus in this message on how we can raise our children to withstand suffering, even trauma, and still be strong, successful, and Christ-honoring in their lives.

Nicole Shah: Stressors for children come in various forms: major accidents, acute and serious illnesses (cancer, childhood hospitalizations, negative foster care system experiences, bullying, verbal shaming, humiliation, or loss of a sibling. Prolonged stress in childhood has lifelong consequences in regard to health. Dr. Oliver J. Morgan says that “Adverse childhood experiences lead to problems in emotional regulation, impulse control, relationship difficulties and social judgment. This explains why so many children are misdiagnosed with ADD/ADHD when the real challenge may be adversity.” Adverse Childhood experiences don’t just affect the child but can affect the family as a whole.

So, how can we as parents help our children face the stresses or adverse childhood experiences in their lives? We erect boundaries or walls around them to protect them.We come to the realization that our children need boundaries either when our children begin to roll over or begin to crawl. Each child will be different. We had children that were content to stay in one location with their toys, but we also had children who were not content to stay put and had to explore their world beyond what was safe for them at any given age. We don’t erect boundaries to hurt our children but to protect them. 

What are these 4 boundaries? From Joshua Straub’s book Safe House, they are exploration, protection, grace, and truth. Each boundary will look different for each of your children because as we all know every child is different. Different likes and dislikes, different personalities, different talents and abilities. We know what exploration and protection mean, but sometimes the definitions of grace and truth, biblically speaking, may not be accurate. Grace is unconditional love for our children that is not earned but freely given, no strings attached. Truth is not only discipline and limits. It’s doing the right thing and understanding the consequences of our actions, good and bad. 

As you can see the diagram on the screen, you have the walls of protection and exploration on the top and the walls of grace and truth on the side. To be the parent that God desires us to be we need to have a healthy balance of all four. 

1. If our walls of protection and grace are too high, we become helicopter parents. I saw this for myself when my youngest was in kindergarten. He had been invited to a birthday party at the Skateeum. I got his skates on his feet and got him to the floor. I was making sure that he was steady on his feet when I looked up and all around me were mothers following and holding up their children. At that moment I saw a living example of helicopter parents. I left on the floor and went back to the side determined not to hover and let him learn on his own. The helicopter parent essentially says with their actions that the child is the center of the universe. You can’t do anything on your own. If you try, you’ll mess up. It’s ok. Since you are so amazing, we’ll rescue you. In adversity, the helicopter parent will always swoop in and try to rescue their child in an effort to protect them.
2. If our walls of exploration and grace are too high, then we become BFF’s with our kids. The BFF parent says that the child can do it on their own because they are amazing. If they mess up, it’s the world’s fault not the child’s, and we will rescue you. In adversity, this parent may see the child suffering in a way that resonates with the parent, so the parent tries to be the child’s best friend instead of the parent.
3. If our walls of protection and truth are too high, then we become the religious parent. The Religious parent says that the child can’t do it on their own because left to themselves the child will mess up, and that is not ok. The child is at fault and needs to religiously follow the rules. This is what I term as legalistic. In adversity, the parent doesn’t meet the child where they are. They may spout religious platitudes, but they are of no real help to the child.
4. If our walls of exploration and truth are too high, then we become the boss parent. The Boss parent says that the child must do it on their own and learn the hard way. If the child messes up, it’s their fault, and they need to do better or work harder next time. In adversity, this parent does not have empathy for the child. In other words, the parent tells the child to just get over it and move on.

We, as parents need to have a good balance of protection, exploration, grace, and truth in our parenting. We will all mess up sometimes. Through prayer, being in God’s Word daily, and being in church as a family weekly, and the grace of God, we can become the parents God wants us to be. 

Something else we need to keep in mind: As Brené Brown said, “Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.”

Our relationship with God is paramount in all areas of life but especially in parenting. How we view God as our Father will influence how we parent our children. It matters how we were parented, but it doesn’t have to influence how we parent our own children. If we can work through our childhood and come to terms with how we were raised, then our past does not have to become our mantra for our future and, more importantly our children’s future. My dad used to say that people don’t know how to love because they were not loved properly. This is why our relationship with God, as parents, is so important. 

1 John 4:16-18 says, “We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels (casts out) all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.” 

God is the only one that has perfect love, and through that perfect love there is no place for fear. Love without fear equals safety, and that is what our children need from us as parents. 

Abidan: As important as all this is in the early years of our children’s lives, it changes as our kids begin to grow into their adolescent years.

Ryan Hill: Ok, be honest. Those of you who are blessed to be parenting teens and preteens or have already walked that road, how many of these have you heard?

• You just don’t get it!
  • You have no idea what I’m going through.
  • That’s not fair!
  • Or my favorite, the intense eye-roll…

We can joke about these responses, but there is more going on if we actually listen to what our teens are saying.

• There is a fundamental breakdown in communication.
  • One of my favorite things about working with teenagers is also one of the most difficult. By nature, they are in an in-between stage in life. They are no longer children, but not yet adults.
  • The strategies you had in place when they were kids will likely no longer work.
  • Parenting teens involves adjusting these boundaries of protection, exploration, grace, and truth that we have talked about based on what they are facing.

And make no mistake, your students are facing some difficult situations. You know the number one thing I hear students complain about? They are overwhelmed and don’t know how to handle everything they are going through, whether it’s their school workload, a breakup, a friendship turning sour.

Our parenting styles will determine how our kids weather the storms of life. Let’s explore some examples.

• Making a Poor Choice
  • Helicopter – Save them from the consequences; teens may end up entitled.
  • Religious – Heavy consequences and punishment; teens may end up retreating, resenting.
  • BFF – There are no consequences; You should have seen me at your age! Teens may end up reckless, but also feeling alone, unsupported.
  • Boss – You made your bed, now go lay in it! Teens may end up resentful.
  • We fall into the trap of staying in one of these four boxes, when the most helpful thing we can do for our students is bring a balanced approach.
• Let’s take another one – the breakup.
  • Don’t shield them from going through emotions (protection) but help them process the ending of a significant romantic relationship, perhaps their first one (exploration).
  • Don’t absolve them of any poor decisions they may have made to contribute to the relationship ending (grace) but show them what they could have done differently to better prepare them for future relationships (truth).
  • All this is done in the context of love, not teaching them a lesson. Teenagers aren’t interested in you teaching them a lesson.
  • You can’t talk at a teenager; you have to talk to them.
• The Safe House Parent
  • Parenting is still active but shifts more toward guiding than leading.
  • This diagram is descriptive, not prescriptive. There are times when we will lean more toward one wall or the other based on the situation, but the goal should always be to stay as balanced as possible.
• The key to parenting your teens through difficult situations is knowing when to lower the wall of protection.
  • As our kids go through adolescence, we must begin lowering some of those walls of protection and encouraging exploration, or we will cause our kids’ growth to stagnate. We are not raising children; we are raising adults.
  • This is especially true when our kids face hardships or even traumatic events. And please don’t do your teenagers to disservice of listening to them when they tell you to leave them alone. They don’t actually want this. They want you to enter their world and help them face whatever lies before them.
  • Our tendency may be to rescue them. I know mine often is. While there may be a time for that, what our kids need more often is someone to help guide them through life’s hardest moments, whether they are self-inflicted consequences or external struggles.
• In his book Safe House, Joshua Straub says that parenting isn’t rocket science…it’s brain surgery! He calls Paul the first neuroscientist. 
  • When our kids are met with trouble, anxiety kicks in. In toddlers, this looks like a temper tantrum. But in teens, it usually takes the form of mouthing off. (Straub, Safe House, 103)
  • If your teen is shutting down, irritable, or exhibiting uncharacteristic mood swings, don’t just assume it’s their hormones. They are likely stressed about a situation they are facing.
  • The answer is in Philippians 4       5 “Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand. 6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

We are responsible to guide our teens and young adults out of anxiety and connect them to the peace of God. Straub suggests three ways to do that:

• When possible, take time to calm down before you respond to your child.
  • Dialogue and seek to understand his/her point of view.
  • Always communicate your love for your child even during hardship or punishment. (Straub, 105)

Let me say a quick word about the young adult years.

• If you do all of this right, if you shelter your kids from harm and heartache growing up and set them up for success, chances are they will place some blame on you.
  • Parents are safe to blame for the hardships young adults face in life because we will continue to love them.
  • Don’t be surprised by this even from your well-behaved, compliant children. It’s normal for them to have a time of going away where they assign some blame to their parents. As Dr. Shah has reminded us before from Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Abidan: Are you training your kids to stand against the sufferings, adversities, and even trauma of life? Have you introduced your children to Jesus? Have you met Jesus? How are you facing the trials and suffering, and even trauma, in your own life?