Family Resemblance (Part Two) by Dr. Abidan Shah

FAMILY RESEMBLANCE (2) by Dr. Shah, Clearview Church, Henderson

Introduction:  Nicole and I grew up on the opposite sides of the globe. Just out of curiosity, I plugged In the names of where she and I grew up on an online travel site and here’s what came up. One site said “complicated…you might even have to swim. May we suggest you fly instead?” Another site calculated the distance to 8,488.52 miles and a third one had in red letters “Report an error.” Nicole and I often get asked – “How did you two meet?” “What did your families think?” “Did y’all have to adjust a lot with the cultural differences?” In a sense, Nicole and I did grow up worlds apart, but we really didn’t. As we mentioned in the “Operation Safeguard” series back in February, “Our fathers had very similar beliefs and convictions.” We both saw similar examples of the roles of husbands and wives. That’s why it worked for us, but it wasn’t easy. Today’s message is part 2 of the message we began last weekend titled “FAMILY RESEMBLANCE.” Main point: A major ingredient to making marriage work is similar beliefs and convictions regarding marriage. In marriages where it does not start out that way, it requires an extra effort by the believing spouse so that the unbelieving spouse can see their example and come to Christ. In fact, even believing marriages lose their focus at times and need a course correction regarding the roles of husbands and wives.

1 Peter 3      1 “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives.”

Context: There are 2 kinds of marriages that Peter was addressing here:

1. Marriages where one spouse is an unbeliever. Listen again to verse 1 “Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives.” The Bible repeatedly warns against believers marrying unbelievers, but sometimes it happens. Maybe one partner gets saved and the other is not ready. That happened in the early church. Sometimes, one pretends to be saved, and it later comes out that he/she did it only to just get married. There are also times when a believing person marries an unbelieving person in the hopes of changing them. It’s called a “missionary marriage.” It is very difficult, if not impossible, to change anyone, especially after marriage. The unbelieving spouse gets defensive when the believing spouse tries to talk or trick them into going to church. Nonetheless, one spouse operates with one idea about the roles of husbands and wives and the other spouse operates with a very different idea.

Application: Are you the unbelieving spouse in your marriage? What is keeping you from being saved?

2. Marriages where a believing couples does not know their roles or has lost their focus. Listen carefully to verse 1 again – 1 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word…” In other words, the injunction is actually to all, but there is an added advantage in cases where the husband happens to be an unbeliever. In other words, sometimes, even believing spouses have to be taught and reminded of their proper roles in marriage.

Application: As a believing couple, are you doing things God’s way in your marriage?

So, how should wives be submissive, and husbands lead with understanding? Last weekend, we jumped forward to 1 Peter 3:5 where Peter called upon wives to be daughters of Sarah and the husbands to be sons of Abraham. We focused on the negative and positive examples of Sarah and Abraham to learn how to be a submissive wife like Sarah and how to be an understanding and leading husband like Abraham. We looked in detail at what submission is not and what leadership is not. But, we only briefly touched on what submission is and what leadership is:

• Submission is the inner quality of gentleness that affirms the leadership of your husband.
• Leadership is the outward demonstration of understanding that gives your wife the honor that is due.
• The goal of a marriage is to be heirs together of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered.

In today’s message, I want us to go deeper and learn what does submission and leadership look like practically. Unfortunately, they often get substituted. Submission gets substituted by Adornment and Understanding gets substituted by Achievement.Listen – 3 “Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. 5For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands.” The Greek word for adorning is “kosmos,” from which, of course, we get the word “cosmos” in English, meaning “the world.” That word also gives us the meaning of “to beautify” or “to look orderly.” This is where we get the word “cosmetics.” A typical woman spends her time and resources in buying and applying cosmetics to look pretty and orderly. Yes, a husband desires a pretty wife, but that is not primary to him.

So also, for husbands 1 Peter 3:7 “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel…” I’ll be the first to admit that we men don’t understand women. We think we do but we don’t. I saw this image of 2 books: one super thick and the other super thin. The thick one’s title was “A Guide to Women’s Logic: Condensed Edition” and the thin one’s title was “What Men Understand About Women: Revised and Expanded.” Nonetheless, we men will do anything we can do understand and conquer the world, but when it comes to our wives, we don’t care to learn. What does “weaker vessel” imply? Probably, it refers to physical strength, generally speaking. It also implies that she is weaker in the sense of “social entitlement and empowerment” (Jobes). In other words, think about how you would handle something that was delicate. A man will work hard to provide for his wife and family, but he doesn’t care to understand his wife and her needs. Yes, a wife desires a hardworking man, but that is not primary to her.

So, the question is how can wives be submissive to their own husbands, and husbands lead their wives with understanding and give them honor?

• It begins by understanding that the greatest need of a husband is not adornment but respect, and the greatest need of a wife is not achievement but love.
• In many marriages, instead of respect, there is criticism, and instead of love, there is silence or indifference.
• Men consider criticism to be disrespect, and wives consider silence to be a fightand indifference to be lack of love.

Here are some practical suggestions (from Eggerichs):

For wives:

Shaunti Feldhan did some research on the differences between men and women: If men were forced to choose between: 1.To be left alone and unloved in the world; 2. To feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. 74% chose the first one.

1. Appreciate his work and goals
2. Appreciate his protection and provision
3. Appreciate his counsel
4. Appreciate his friendship
5. Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy

For husbands:

In a similar research, if women were forced to choose between: 1. To be with someone and be unhappy: 2. To be alone. Most chose the first one.

1. Show affection
2. Talk
3. Listen
4. Apologize
5. Affirm your commitment
6. Praise

Invitation: Wives, are you showing respect? Husbands, are you showing love? Do you know Christ as your Savior? Is he the head of your house?