HEALING MARRIAGES – 1 by Pastor Shah, Clearview Church, Henderson
Today we are starting a 2-part series called HEALING MARRIAGES.
Matthew 5 31 “Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.
Overall Background: Listen to verse 31 again, “it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ After discussing the difficult subject of adultery, Jesus turned his attention towards divorce. For Jesus to address this subject in His greatest sermon is an indicator that divorce was a big issue at the time. In fact, you may remember in Matthew 19:3 “The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?’” The reason they questioned Him is because divorce was a hot-button issue at the time. And what is amazing to me is that Jesus did not shy away from these questions but faced them head on. He did not sugar coat the truth and neither did he talk condemningly towards those who were divorced. Instead, He told the truth but in love.
Unfortunately, the church has failed terribly on this point – we have avoided this topic; we have failed to help those going through divorce; and, sadly, we have looked down upon those who have been through it. And when we have discussed it, we have either treated divorce as if it’s not a big deal or as if it’s the unpardonable sin. Both of these extremes are wrong. What we need is a biblical perspective on divorce – something that will bring truth, grace, healing, and hope to broken hearts.
Question: Have you been through divorce? Are you healed from the pain? Do you know someone who is going through it? Are you helping or praying for them? Are you contemplating divorce in your marriage? Do you know Christ as your Savior?
This series is not to condemn anyone for past decisions but to offer help and healing in the present. What we’re going to do today is look at some of the top reasons why people get divorced and how we can prevent them. Although there are many reasons, we will look at only the top 6 reasons for divorce, starting with #6.
(My information is from the Austin Institute for the Study of Family and Culture.)
According to the study, 23% of divorces were due to Alcohol and drug abuse. Marriage is tough as it is without the added burden of addiction. It is like running a three-legged race but you’re dragging the other person. This is especially harder when the addiction was not known in the beginning of the relationship. When it does come out, it leads to a lot of trust issues. It leaves a lot of resentment – “How could you do this to me?” Sometimes, there is knowledge about the addiction but the other person says, “Once we’re married, it’ll all change. I can change him/her.” It actually gets worse and worse.
For e.g. Growing up we knew this family down the street. The man had a problem with alcohol. At the end of the month, it was pretty much understood in the neighborhood that there was going to be a show tonight. Some people would actually bring out their lawn chairs and watch the show! It was very embarrassing and painful for the family.
What’s the answer? Commitment to solid biblical counseling. Titus 2 11 For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, 12 teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age,
Application: Are you struggling with addiction? Are you seeking help? Are you willing to commit to getting help? Do you see the pain you are causing those who love you?
According to the report, 24% of the divorces were due to differences in financial priorities and spending habits. This is a tough one – children, sickness, accidents, things break down. Then, there’s the human nature, like the old adage – “We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” Unfortunately, many couples have no concept of financial planning. When bills start piling up and creditors start calling, couples tend to turn against each other.
What’s the answer? Learn how to budget, live within your means, eliminate debt, and be truthful with each other. Here’s another major answer – start tithing. Proverbs 3 9 Honor the LORD with your possessions, And with the firstfruits of all your increase; 10 So your barns will be filled with plenty, And your vats will overflow with new wine.
Illustration: A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrive at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they move along the conveyor belt to be burned, they strike up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisces about its travels all over the county – “I’ve had a pretty good life. I have been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.” “Wow!” says the one-dollar bill. “You have really had an exciting life! “So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?” The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I have been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church….” The twenty-dollar bill suddenly interrupts, “What’s a church?”
Be generous. Proverbs 11:25 The generous soul will be made rich, And he who waters will also be watered himself.
Application: How are your finances? Are you willing to get help? Are you willing to tithe? Are you willing to be generous?
# 4. EMOTIONAL ABUSE
According to the study, 29% of the divorces were due to emotional abuse. We’re not talking about physical violence here but it still hurts. Maybe it’s because of the way someone was raised or maybe they went through abuse growing up. Sometimes it’s because of past resentments. Couples take jabs at each other, especially in public. Many promises are made but things do not change.
What is the answer? Ask God to change your spirit. Ephesians 4:2 with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love,
Application: Is there emotional abuse in your marriage? Are you the abuser? Do you belittle your spouse? Is there pent-up resentment in your heart? Have you admitted before God that this is a sin? Have you repented and asked God to help you with it?
# 3. SPOUSE’S IMMATURITY
According to the research, 30% of the divorces are due to a spouse’s immaturity. Emotionally immature people are those who do not know how to handle anger, guilt, fear, grief, jealousy, insecurity, disappointment, and resentment. They don’t know how to handle life’s challenges. They easily get stuck in negative emotions. They tend to control people around them. They blame others for all their problems. They are self-centered and selfish. They may look adult but they are like a spoiled brat – Momma’s boy or daddy’s girl. They pout, whine, cry, manipulate, and hurt others. When confronted, they are in denial.
What’s the answer? Grow up! Ephesians 4 14 that we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, 15 but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ—
Application: Are you emotionally immature? Are you selfish and self-centered? Do you blame others for your problems? What are you going to do about it? Are you taking steps to grow in your maturity?
# 2. INCOMPATIBLE
According to this study, 30% felt that they were tired of making a poor match work. The common statement is “we are just two very different people. It’s just not working out.”
What’s the answer? Marriage is not about compatibility but about commitment. Once you have made up your mind that this is it, then this is it! You have to do whatever you can to make it compatible – spend time, go places together, encourage one another, see the best in each other, and understand your own weakness and weaknesses.
For e.g. I was reading an article which had a true story of this woman who had gone through a divorce. After the divorce, she felt that it was time to start dating again and her friends talked her into opening an account on match.com. “She received her first list of potential matches and at the very top of the list, her top match out of thousands of potential men was none other than her ex-husband!”
There is one compatibility you do need to worry about – Does the other person know Christ? 2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?”
Application: How committed are you to your marriage? Have you tried to look at life from your spouse’s perspective? What steps are you taking to make your marriage work?
According to research, 37% of divorces are due to unfaithfulness in marriage. In the last series I talked about the causes and consequences of adultery.
What’s the answer? Forgiveness. Listen to Colossians 3:12 Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.
Conclusion: According to research, about 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce or permanent separation and 60% of second marriages end in divorce. Each year one million children in America face divorce and half will face it again. Culture is trying to tear down marriage. God is still for marriage.
What steps are you taking to safeguard your marriage? The place to begin is by asking – “Do you know Christ as your Savior?” Then, “Are you submitted to the authority of the Holy Spirit in your life?” “Are you living according to the Word of God?”